"A lot of people think dreams are out of control and weird, but they're really an accurate mirror of our lives. Once you're aware of what's happening, they can be incredibly inspiring."

Ally Deheza of School of Seven Bells

dreams 029 & 030

I was at a concert at a stadium w/April and my dad. The girl who was singing was formerly in a 90's girl pop band. She'd try to rile up the crowd by asking if she should sing one of their old hits...and no one cared or answered. I felt guilty, so I yelled, "YEA!!!"

I was with my dad. I told him I was hungry in an attempt to get him to suggest we go to a restaurant. He told me I'd just eaten and didn't need to again. We argued and I said mom never bought good groceries and I did. We drove by a bunch of industrial plants/factories and they stretched on for miles. There was a 50 Cent song playing & I knew and sang all of the words. "Pay ya bills" were some of the lyrics as we drove and (for some reason?) it was significantly related to the plant we were driving by. There were soooo many tanks filled with chemicals and gases and I wondered why they didn't just combust. Dad told me that they had been in business for a very long time and were very safe (..even though they were a cigarette butt's throw away from the freeway.) We got off the freeway and were stopped in a neighborhood on the west side and all of a sudden my dad was a really old man. We heard a vacuum cleaner start up in the distance and he said something like "I wonder if a cat is going for a ride!" - as in, the person was vacuuming and the cat sat on the vac while the person maneuvered it. I thought it was strange that a) my dad was so old and b) that he was concerned and knowledgeable about cats, because I'd never known him to be particularly interested in cats. I got a job at one of the factories I'd driven by. My job was to sort materials, in this case, data cds. Roseanne (like, Roseanne Barr, from "Roseanne") was a babysitter who lived on the grounds of the factory and I went there on my break. Her house smelled like cigarettes and mildew. I told her I missed her, as she was my childhood babysitter.

dreams 025, 026, 027 & 28 (with brevity)

Jordan Badnell
bike
stats135
my stats135 lecturer Peter Sprangers
silver Hummer
skiiing tricks
shower

house party at my childhood home on Stillwater Drive
No one would help me take care of the party & guests.
I was raped by 3 guys + girl.
cum everywhere
inspected by dad; uncomfortable

chased by two guys + girl
hid in library & antique shop
movie/mystery
Jackie little
Glenn Close
hotel room
We killed a man because he snuck in her room which allowed us to sneak in and wash ourselves.
I was popping a zit in the mirror.
She gave us clothes and we devised a plan to escape the people that were looking for us.


Abbey, April & I were at a place in the mall getting "massages"
laid in stream-like pool, coffin-size, flowing water
eels, whole turkeys, dumplings in the water - supposed to slough skin as they passed over body
Olive Garden in food court- Jeff, Charlotte, Carrie, Kevin - gave me a bite of ravioli
Forever 21 - clothes all the way out into the walkway, thought that was a weird store design strategy
Design Within Reach - we loved everything, talked about how I loved wood furniture..almost got locked in store at closing time

dream 024

Mickey Avalon was an asian artist and my friend and I were trying to help him out at his art show by setting up and collecting the tagged/"sold" pieces. He sold three pieces for $6000+ and he was bitching because he usually made a lot more than that. His family was there and his nieces were about to start high school even though they were only 10 -ish years old and they were saying that 4 years was soooo long and they didn't want to wait that long to graduate. I burst into tears and told them that I'd just graduated and that instead, after they'd graduated high school they'd be saying "how did 4 years go by so fast?"

dream 023

Sam (my 13-year old family dog who was put to sleep last summer) was alive..I was petting him and all of a sudden his skin turned blood red..his foot had fallen off..I was saying goodbye because I thought he was dying, but he didn't..his toe nails had fake nails underneath that were each a different color and labeled with a fruit that corresponded with the color...he turned into a blue pig, then a green Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle..he had to lay still...but then Jessi Middleton's mom came and he bolted out the door and seemed fine...Jen would not go chase after him and all I had on was a tank top and a pair of granny panties. A cop pulled up and asked what was going on.

dream 022

I was going to visit Greg. He lived kind of far away in a small town. Took note of trashy places I'd walk by that greg had mentioned before in passing and used them to navigate my way to town. I packed my belongings in a plastic Walmart bag. I was alone on the side of the road fishing for something in my bag and a truck of 20-year-old-ish guys drove by. I was dressed really nice, since I was going to see Greg and meet his family. The guy yelled as they drove by, "you're gonna be my girlfriend!" Then they drove by again and whistled, and then back the opposite direction once more as he yelled, "you're gonna date me!" I was worried they thought I was a hooker but I wasn't wearing anything hooker-like that would make them think that. Apparently no one in that town had ever seen anyone like me and people kept stopping me on the street asking if I was a famous actress.

I met a boy who took me to the school in town. We headed to class and from the start, the evil teacher had it out for me, as did the students, except for a few of them, plus the boy who's befriended me. I got all answers right. I tried not to offend when answering correctly adfter a little boy/girl? who'd gotten it wrong. When I answered he/she became furious and spontaneously combusted and all of his/her body pieces flew into a cubby along the wall. Finally he/she morphed back into a body and the teacher told him/her that he/she could use his/her powers to do whatever he/she wanted to do to me, and I pleaded that he/she not kill or harm me, and gently explained myself and tried to get him/her and the rest of the class on my side so they'd stop feeling threatened by me and wanting me out of there. The rest of the class went fine, until another girl answered incorrectly. her punishment, or so I thought, came when the teacher smacked her upside the back of her head. Dust flew out of her head and the teacher explained that that had some importance. She took the girl outside and continued to slap her head as they walked across and down an adjacent street. There was a family of homeless people huddled on the opposite corner they were walking, and as we, still in the classroom, watched out the window, I was the only one who thought it was weird that they nor any of the passersby thought that she was harming the girl. They didn't come back.

Then, I was at my Nana Bruschart's huge house. (She died when I was really little and I have no memory of her or her house or where she lived, so this whole part of the dream is all completely conjured up y my brain.) We were all wearing VERY elaborate 1700s-style dresses.

dream 021

The thing to do was to go swimming in the river. I couldn't get KTZ to go with me because of the rats. I went down to the river and saw a bunch of dead rats floating face up on the water. All of a sudden Amanda Gerstner floated up on a raft. I showed her my new tattoos and we chatted and she told me I could hold on to her raft and float down the river. I was apprehensive because of the rats, but went anyway. I tried to avoid floating near any of them because I was terrified of touching them. I ended up doing so anyway, though, and found out that all of their insides had been removed by whatever predator was killing them all. I used that as a reason to get Katie to come swimming. She told me that she'd found a new and better place to swim, and that it was the in the observation level of the water tower. I told her that that was disgusting and dirty and it reminded me of that movie with Elijah Wood as a child, called "War."

old dreams

(from an old xanga post dated October 23, 2002)

i keep having these dreams that i'm dying.. and i know i'm about to die, and i keep thinking "i wish i had told my family how much i love them".. & these dreams where people confront me about my addiction to porn.

old dreams

(found post from my old xanga account, dated January 31, 2005)

As of late, I've been having some pretty fucked up dreams. Not only that, but in 3-hour naps after school, the usual 4-5 hours of sleep I get each night, and any other measly amount of sleep I manage to get, I'll have multiple dreams, the most - to my record - being 5. Lucky for you, I've recorded them all.

dream 001: cast of characters: internet steve
steve used to have a picture on myspace of him doing a backflip. i dreamt i was there when the photo was taken. & then i proceeded to go to jamie vernon's house and we made out hxc.

dream 002: cast of characters: zack starkey
i don't even know this character in real life, though i have seen him at least 50 times on & around campus, gallery hops, shows, etc. he was having an art show and he was putting away his pieces as i watched. i noticed he had the most beautiful green eyes.

dream 003: anal masturbation. (no, not on myself..sick.) the end.

dream 004: cast of characters: josh guyton, random boys, nana
i was waitressing at a restaraunt in arizona (it was the restaraunt at which i ate my 17th birthday dinner with my mom, sister, and grandparents). i saw josh and 3 other guys behind the kitchen doors at the bar with their backs against the wall. my nana had died, but no one told me.

dream 005: cast of characters: cindy crawford, random co-workers & customers, friends, my grandma shirley & her 25 year old boyfriend, guy from garden state
lesbian sex with cindy crawford & a list of positions to try. 30 year old guys (customers of drug mart) were in a car with connie (a woman i work with) - she was taking us all home because we were in the middle of a horrid storm. i was on my way to the lennox with the gang and, against my dad's wishes, i went to visit my grandma shirley (who is estranged and i have no idea where she is. my family has not spoken to her in 8 years.) she had a very attractive 25 year old boyfriend who was acting obviously shy because he was embarassed that i was closer in age to him than my grandma. i met some random guys & went to their house where we sat in their attic and talked. i was with the girls, though i don't recall actually seeing them in the dream. we each had a guy, and mine was the guy from garden state who invented silent velcro. he left the room and his friends told me that he had a wife and kids. he subsequently fled the scene.

dream 006: cast of characters: unmentionable here
over time i've had multiple dreams in which a certain friend of mine 'steals' the guy of my interest. the friend & i were somewhere with the guy that i liked. he started showing interest in her, and she returned it. all of the girls (especially one in particular) got so mad at me and told me i had absolutely no right and was a bitch for being upset and for 'interfering.' i was so completely heart broken. and then i was at a restaraunt at the outdoor patio and a cop walked up and asked to search my bag. i had weed on me and i was so scared he would find it, but he only found a zone bar and asked me to throw it away.

dream 007: cast of characters: unmentionable*, and a random family and model that do not exist in real life
i was at a school dance on a camp ground. johnny* and i spotted eachother and embraced for a really unusually long period of time. then he said he had fucked his date under a table. then i was driving home from polaris and got lost. so i went to this huge house i somehow knew the security code to. it belonged to a family that owned a car dealership and whos mom/wife my mom went to high school with. i went in and walked around and then someone came home. i was terrified. it was some model who was living with them, and she was being so mean to me and threatening to call the police. then the little kids came home and were really mean to me too and ran to get mommy & daddy. the parents came and were super nice and the dad offered to drive in front of me on my way home to make sure i got there okay.

dream 008: cast of characters: 2 brothers & sisters that don't exist in real life, a girl i went to high school with but never knew her name
2 brothers & sisters were engaging in incestuous sexual activity. later, i saw a girl whom i've never spoken to but went to my high school. she talked to me about the photojournalism program at ou and how much she loved it there.

dream 009: sarah + her mom, maccauly caulkin, friends, jenna bland
i was pregnant and wrote about it on my xanga. sarah got in trouble because her mom read it and assumed she was pregnant too. later, i was at meijer and maccauly caulkin was my cashier and also my cousin. i was highly attracted to him. i walked all around the store trying to figure out how to steal gum & candy for the movie. meijer showed movies in a theater, but the group of people i was with could not find it. but then i remembered it was in the back of the store, upstairs. they showed only one movie - a scary home-made film, and the theater was a tiny, cobwebby, dark, lonely, scary room. there were about 10 wooden chairs scattered all about, and the "theater" was very informal - it was like someone's basement. there were scary decorations everywhere and it was a lot like a haunted house. my friends made me enter first. i kept my eyes closed because i was so scared (i had been there before.. in a prior dream, which is really fucking weird.) jenna bland was the person who ran the meijer movie in both dreams i had about it (which is also weird because i can't even remember the last time i talked to her.) this place obviously does not exist in reality.

dream 010: cast of characters: unmentionable*
timothy* and i were standing next to eachother by a microwave. we were not speaking, but our thoughts would scroll across the window of the microwave, exactly like an instant message on a computer screen.

dream 011: cast of characters: john vance, jamie elder, sam corlett, kate sweeney, ian bates, children, unmentionable girl* and people that don't exist in real life
i saw john at a hospital. we were standing next to eachother, not speaking. he was calling me, but he had no telephone, nor did i. he had a box stitched to the back of his neck and it startled me. he was calling me to explain. "DON'T EAT THE BLACK PIECES OF RICE!" he said, "IT'S THE BINARY STAR!" i was walking in the rain, and sought dryness in the underground sidewalk of bre's neighborhood. all of the houses had tarps over them to shield from the rain. they were all painted the exact same color of blue, and looked exactly the same. to get out of the neighborhood, i had to walk through someone's back patio. i saw a mini-disc player & mini-discs all over the place. i got very, very angry at the fact that they had mini-discs, because who the fuck uses mini-discs?! i kicked them everywhere and threw them all over the place. i walked out of the yard and past the front door, hoping it would be shut and the owners would not see me. however, it was jamie elder's house, and she was having a birthday party. i got very scared because she'd seen me, and i tried to run away, but in a very cartoon-like fashion, my legs were moving but i was not going anywhere. having seen me, she asked me to join the party. i felt guilty doing so, considering i'd just smashed all of her mini-discs. her hair was straightened & she was not wearing glasses. i walked in the front door and ian, sam, & kate were sitting on the couch. i walked to the basement where the action was, and i first saw a 10ish year old boy with his hand in his pants - masturbating! i was in disgust & yelled at him to stop. a bunch of really ghetto white people came down the stairs and were followed by a group of men that varied greatly in appearance but all had the same distinct eyes - exactly like jamie's. i knew they were her family members. a very spanish-looking man came right up to my face and got so close as if to kiss me. i was very shocked & asked wtf he was doing. he explained that it was a family ritual at birthday gatherings to give all of the guests the "love" or "birthday" bite. he then sucked on my chin and was proceeded by the rest of the men, and stephanie*.

dream 012: cast of characters: unmentionable girl #1 and #2
i was talking to someone and making jokes. #1 would chime in and shyly try too hard to be funny. #2 sat and pouted and did not talk, laugh or smile.

drean 013: cast of characters: unmentionable girls' brother, who, in the dream, was a recent customer of drug mart
the girls brother was sitting in a workout facility/warehouse with me, teaching me computer skills.

dream 014: in reality, i called a feria haircolor hotline the other day to ask about the affects of dying my hair. she told me to mix the hair color chemicals a certain way. in this dream, i mixed them wrong, dyed my hair, and it turned bright red.

dream 015: cast of characters: one of my teachers
unmentionable teacher was talking to me. the whole scene was fuzzy and very dreamy-dreamlike. he asked me if i had been officially added to his class roster. as i began to answer him, [in real life]my dad screamed at me to wake up and get ready for work. there was a huge flash of light in my eyes/brain/whatever as i opened my eyes and woke up. it was frightening.

dream 016ish: cast of characters: chinese person, class of boys(i had the dreams while under the influence at ohio university this weekend)
i had a chain of about 5 dreams. all of them consisted of a main character who was chinese. in one of the dreams, the character was a very scary looking monster. in another, i had a mental disability and was standing naked atop a toilet seat in a stall at an ou communal bathroom.

dream 020

There was an intruder at Greg's as he and I were sleeping. We had just put a piece of furniture together and had some leftover wood slats that we picked up, wielding them as we tiptoed down stairs. He yelled for whoever was there to come out and turned on the lights. It was a creepy looking guy with long scraggly hair and a metal band t-shirt on. We soon discovered that he was a gay guy who liked Greg & wanted to get rid of me so he could have him. I made nice with him..or tried..and pretended Greg & I were just friends so that he'd not feel threatened/leave/not want to harm us. I could sense that he was either mentally deranged or on drugs, as is the case in most of the episodes of "I Survived..." Greg & I had watched involving late night home invasions, so I tried my best to get him on my side or to sympathize with him. He wasn't having it, and another person entered the apartment, armed. All of a sudden, Jen was there. We were crouched on the floor against the wall, Greg to my left and Jen to my right. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was willing to take a chance to save all three of our lives or at least theirs, so with the two pistols I was suddenly armed with, I raised them and took multiple shots in the directions of both the guy and his accomplice. I missed. In trying to protect Greg and Jen and, I put them in harm's way because the accomplice fired a round in our direction. One bullet came straight at us and I pushed their heads and bodies forward so it would miss them. In doing so, I was shot in the side of the back of my head. The intruders fled the scene. I had to walk to hospital and did so alone. I was losing blood and was in & out of consciousness the whole way there. Along the way, people would come up to me and get in my face and taunt me. They kept telling me that I was ugly annoying gross disgusting stupid sucked lame, etc. I had to accept it. Because I was so weak, I couldn't argue or fight back, not that I necessarily could detest some of their claims, which were eye-opening. I didn't so much feel a physical pain from the gunshot wound, but rather an emotional pain and guilt. I swallowed my pride and also felt inside that those taunts were meant for me to understand that I'd done it to myself and that if I died, I would have to spend my after-life knowing that I wasted my time on Earth because I did not live up to my full potential or ever acquire the depth of relationships that I was meant or live each day fully..that I had full and complete control over the precious life I was given and had squandered all 22 years of it. I knew I was going to die. I was unable to communicate any longer and was slipping away and only felt these emotions internally as my life closed in on me. I had the painful regret of realizing that I was alone by choice - I'd pushed everyone away - and that I'd spent my life putting petty things in front of my relationships with family and friends instead of taking charge and seeing to it that my life had meaning, importance, purpose..instead of using my time for my personal benefit..so that I was happy with myself and what I'd worked hard for and accomplished in order to reach that happiness. I didn't get to say goodbye to any of my loved ones and felt most guilty and horrible because I did not try to improve my life while I still had the chance to do so with total control. The overwhelming sadness that I was going to die and did not come to such conclusions until then made me wake up with a sense that my dreams were trying to communicate that with me in blatant words because I've been unable to see it in my own life, and it is something that I desperately needed to be aware of and think about. It made me realize that I need to take charge of my life and make it as good as I can and ensure that I am happy with myself and have fulfilling relationships in my life to supplement that happiness. It also made me fearful of death, should it ever happen before I am able to make of my life what it is meant to be. It felt most prophetic as in reality, I've recently been feeling a complete lack of control over my life and my personal happiness and my ability to function appropriately in my role in all of my relationships. The timing was bizarrely perfect considering those stresses that I've been having.

I woke up crying my eyes out.