dream 020

There was an intruder at Greg's as he and I were sleeping. We had just put a piece of furniture together and had some leftover wood slats that we picked up, wielding them as we tiptoed down stairs. He yelled for whoever was there to come out and turned on the lights. It was a creepy looking guy with long scraggly hair and a metal band t-shirt on. We soon discovered that he was a gay guy who liked Greg & wanted to get rid of me so he could have him. I made nice with him..or tried..and pretended Greg & I were just friends so that he'd not feel threatened/leave/not want to harm us. I could sense that he was either mentally deranged or on drugs, as is the case in most of the episodes of "I Survived..." Greg & I had watched involving late night home invasions, so I tried my best to get him on my side or to sympathize with him. He wasn't having it, and another person entered the apartment, armed. All of a sudden, Jen was there. We were crouched on the floor against the wall, Greg to my left and Jen to my right. I knew it was a bad idea, but I was willing to take a chance to save all three of our lives or at least theirs, so with the two pistols I was suddenly armed with, I raised them and took multiple shots in the directions of both the guy and his accomplice. I missed. In trying to protect Greg and Jen and, I put them in harm's way because the accomplice fired a round in our direction. One bullet came straight at us and I pushed their heads and bodies forward so it would miss them. In doing so, I was shot in the side of the back of my head. The intruders fled the scene. I had to walk to hospital and did so alone. I was losing blood and was in & out of consciousness the whole way there. Along the way, people would come up to me and get in my face and taunt me. They kept telling me that I was ugly annoying gross disgusting stupid sucked lame, etc. I had to accept it. Because I was so weak, I couldn't argue or fight back, not that I necessarily could detest some of their claims, which were eye-opening. I didn't so much feel a physical pain from the gunshot wound, but rather an emotional pain and guilt. I swallowed my pride and also felt inside that those taunts were meant for me to understand that I'd done it to myself and that if I died, I would have to spend my after-life knowing that I wasted my time on Earth because I did not live up to my full potential or ever acquire the depth of relationships that I was meant or live each day fully..that I had full and complete control over the precious life I was given and had squandered all 22 years of it. I knew I was going to die. I was unable to communicate any longer and was slipping away and only felt these emotions internally as my life closed in on me. I had the painful regret of realizing that I was alone by choice - I'd pushed everyone away - and that I'd spent my life putting petty things in front of my relationships with family and friends instead of taking charge and seeing to it that my life had meaning, importance, purpose..instead of using my time for my personal benefit..so that I was happy with myself and what I'd worked hard for and accomplished in order to reach that happiness. I didn't get to say goodbye to any of my loved ones and felt most guilty and horrible because I did not try to improve my life while I still had the chance to do so with total control. The overwhelming sadness that I was going to die and did not come to such conclusions until then made me wake up with a sense that my dreams were trying to communicate that with me in blatant words because I've been unable to see it in my own life, and it is something that I desperately needed to be aware of and think about. It made me realize that I need to take charge of my life and make it as good as I can and ensure that I am happy with myself and have fulfilling relationships in my life to supplement that happiness. It also made me fearful of death, should it ever happen before I am able to make of my life what it is meant to be. It felt most prophetic as in reality, I've recently been feeling a complete lack of control over my life and my personal happiness and my ability to function appropriately in my role in all of my relationships. The timing was bizarrely perfect considering those stresses that I've been having.

I woke up crying my eyes out.